news media and timeless advice

Today I learned by watching Bowling for Columbine that Americans are just afraid of stuff, and our news media report more scary stuff than other countries' media. I suppose now I'm practically obligated to report that the news people are trying to kill us! Y'know, by raising our blood pressure and giving us heart attacks.

That kind of ties in with what I learned this morning, which was not to read any more Sunday newspapers. They have all these horrible human-interest sob stories, which drove me to the weird news, where I learned that Santa Catalina Island off the coast of Southern California has a 200-strong buffalo herd on it left over from a film in the 1920s. That was a useful piece of information because thinking about a buffalo herd reminded me of a song about how you can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you've a mind to, and that turned out to be very helpful after the sob stories.

In other bovine news, a bull got loose at the Minnesota State Fair, and it took on a fire hydrant. It lost. It is thus we learn that when God made bulls, he forgot to build in a fear a fire hydrants.

So, all together now: fire hydrants will kill you!