death's door, goats, and shampoo

Today I learned that, according to this one website, I have 27 of the 41 signs that your body is in crisis, so clearly I'm two-thirds of the way into the grave.

Speaking of graves, inexpensive Chinese cashmere will kill not just you, but everyone else, too! By buying Chinese cashmere, we're encouraging Chinese herders to raise goats, which eat the grasslands down to dust, which blows clear over to the western US. Since the goats have eaten everything, it seems that they aren't feeling too good anymore, so pretty soon we'll just have dust, which causes respiratory damage, heart disease, and cancer, but no more inexpensive cashmere to show for it. I'm not too concerned because global warming will most likely melt the glaciers pretty soon and cover up the deserts before this gets too much more serious.

In other news that doesn't concern me too much, I developed a sensitivity to my shampoo, but only while my hair was drying. I don't think I react to my back-up shampoo, but worst case scenario, I make good on the threat I've been making since the late '80s to pull a Sinead O'Connor.