important cake-related information

I grew up out West, where we had Hostess cake-like substances that my mother wouldn't let us eat, so I never could keep them straight. My East Coast source informs me that Tastykakes are far superior, but without further ado:

Ding Dongs are disc-shaped, filled cupcakes dipped in chocolate. Ho Hos are like small jelly rolls dipped in chocolate, but with that ubiquitous whipped trans-fat and sugar filling instead of jelly.

Now that we have that straight, we're moving on to the stuff you find on the East Coast:

• Yodels look just like Ho Hos.
• Tastykake cupcakes look a lot like Hostess cupcakes.
• Krimpets look sort of like Twinkies.
• Ring Dings look the same as Ding Dongs.
• Devil Dogs look like elongated whoopie pies to me, but what do I know? Kreamies look pretty similar.
• Yankee Doodles look like a poor kid's version of a Hostess cupcake.
• Kandy Kakes have no direct competition except maybe Girl Scout Cookies, which have always made me sick.

We'll consider straightening out all the pies next week.